Chapter Two

Taylor
Everyone thought that my mother’s money was my money. My mother was well established before I ever released a single though. My mother was a very silent part of an elite circle, which was how she met my father in the first place. She was so quiet about everything she did, she even convinced my father that they should elope. She knew that his family would never accept her, and to save him the heartache of their disappointment leading to their wedding, she told him they would be better off running off and marrying in secret. She really took one for the team because her own family was livid that they weren’t a part of the process. She flashed an engagement and wedding ring in her mother’s saddened face and moved into a luxury apartment with my father in New Jersey.
My mother, Katherine Marie Thompson went from a determined law student to a mother committed to her brief stint in media law, who eventually settled into being a professor at Columbia. Katherine earned her own. She did not need Taylor Marie Thompson-Silverstein or Max Silverstein’s money. She had no problem letting go of Max when his family overwhelmed him with judgement for their marriage. Katherine had no problem packing me up and moving me into a modest two-bedroom apartment in Montclair, New Jersey, where the two of us lived until I was twelve. When I turned ten, both of my parents started to take my musical abilities seriously. I had always enjoyed putting on shows around the house. I wrote little rhymes and performed them. I couldn’t stay still so Katherine put my in both gymnastics and dance. I could move, I could write, and at ten I was showing proof that I could harmonize. In that case, Katherine switched out my gymnastics classes for singing classes. At twelve I recorded a minor hit. When I was fourteen, Max had officially started Silver Records, and by the time I was sixteen, he signed me under the strict stipulation that it would not be revealed that he was my father.
“I don’t want to be accused of nepotism,” he said to my mother.
“And your mother doesn’t want the world to know her son was once a nigger-lover,” she responded.
“Katherine, I have never used that word—”
“But your mother has.”
Max sighed and stared up at the ceiling. “Are we gonna sign off on this or not?” he asked.
“Oh we can sign,” said Katherine. “You can also wear the fear of nepotism on your sleeve, but I need you to know in your heart your real reasons. I am against the idea of nepotism. Taylor is talented, and she should be successful based solely on that.”
“I’m never gonna go back and forth with you Katherine.” Max looked down at my face. “Taylor, do you wanna be signed to Silver Records and receive the benefits that you see these other artists getting such as promotion, studio time, artist development and all of those things?”
I nodded my head eagerly.
Katherine signed my contract, and I was legally bound to my father’s company without people knowing that I was his daughter.
These were some of the things that ran through my mind as I sat in my walk-in closet turned music room and wrote song after song to build an album that would establish me as an independent young adult woman. Q-Note made it a point for me to understand that my maturity and blossoming was not just about my sexuality, but it was about all of my experiences as a whole.
“Girl you’re not a woman because you’ve learned to suck dick,” I mumbled to myself. “Shit… you can’t even admit who you’re fucking. That needs to change.” I picked up my phone and looked at the disguised texts from Sekani. I was trying to fight my way out of this image hold, but dealing with Q-Note as one of my main producers was confusing as hell. On one hand he was helping me map out a whole plan to prove my independence, but on the other hand he was controlling who I dated. Who did he think I was having these experiences with that I was writing about anyway?
I started thinking about the other things that changed in my life. I finished high school. I bought and drove my own cars. I hung out in clubs and attended more industry parties on my own without my mother or a chaperone. I was waking up every day and making all of my own choices, except for when it came to my career and who I dated. The things that mattered the least to me came easily. However, my career and my love life were on my mind twenty-four-seven, and those were the things I had to fight for. I closed my eyes and smiled as Sekani’s face donned my inner eyelids. This was exactly what everyone did not want. I was falling in love with Sekani Smith. That was brand new too. I had never been in love before. I opened my eyes, and the words started to flow. It came out like a poem, with no real melody. I didn’t worry about that. I knew a melody would come. I zoned out as I wrote. The zone felt so good, I didn’t want to leave it. It was the first time that feeling all of my feelings felt good.
When I got to the end of the song though, I knew, I would have to reveal my relationship. It didn’t make sense to hide that level of love and happiness. I thought about all of the “Black love” posts on Instagram that so many celebrities participated in. I wanted to be a part of that. I wanted to post the kissy pictures and videos too. Q-Note was thrilled about me revealing that I had grown up. He and Silver Records were just going to have to accept that Sekani Smith and I were in love.
*****
Later that night, I did something I didn’t do often. I laid down in bed to simply watch television. It didn’t last long though. My mother came in and sat on the edge of my bed. “Everything okay?” she asked.
“Yes. Why?”
“You seemed to be in Lala-land during dinner.”
I almost blushed. “I have a lot on my mind.”
“What’s his name?” my mother asked.
“What?” I laughed.
“Or what’s her name?”
I laughed harder. “There’s no her.”
“But you’re not denying there’s a him.”
I rolled my eyes. “How much do I have to tell you to get you to leave me alone?”
“Just confirm that there’s a somebody, and it’s not Q-Note.”
“Oh my God Mom, absolutely not.”
“That’s pretty exaggerated.”
“Ugh, believe me Mom. My relationship with Q-Note is founded on music, and has since developed into a sibling-type thing. We legitimately do not see each other any other way. He has three kids with his girlfriend, and he even showed me some rings that he was thinking to propose with.”
My mother nodded her head in approval. “Okay,” she said. “So he’s like a big brother.”
I nodded back. I had to throw her a bone though. “But yes Mom, I’m seeing someone.”
“And?”
“And when I feel like it’s serious enough, I will make it official and bring them to the house.”
“Them? So it could be a her?”
“It’s not a her. It’s a him.”
“Okay,” she shrugged.
When she left the room, I started to imagine what it would be like to bring Sekani home. The more I thought about him, the closer I felt to being ready to introduce my man to my family. I tried to imagine my grandparents’ reactions. Truth be told, they were easy. My mother would be the issue because it was highly likely that she knew who he was. She was up on new rappers in the game. I took a deep breath as I settled under the covers, and stared inattentively at the television screen. My mind went back to Q-Note and my father. They were the bigger issue. What could they do about it though? I was the artist. They needed me. What was a label owner without artists? What was a producer without artists?
I rolled over on my side and called Sekani.
When he picked up, I could hear loud music playing in the background. “Taylor, whassup?”
“Hey… nuthin much. You in the studio?”
“Yeah…”
I heard a woman’s voice cooing, “Kani, you tryna hit this or what?”
“Just a minute,” he barked. “I’m on the phone with my girl.”
The woman giggled in the background.
“Who’s that?” I asked instinctively.
“I don’t know. Some chick Trak Killah brought up in here.”
“Oh… but what is she talking about?”
“Whatchu mean? You called to talk to me or to worry about bitches in the studio?”
“I’m just sayin, I heard her ask if you tryna hit. What is she talking about?”
“She talking about some shit they smokin…”
“Oh.”
“So whassup?”
“Um… I was thinking, maybe you can come over for dinner with my family one day soon.”
Sekani chuckled. “You serious?”
“Yeah.”
“You was so worried about who knew we was dealing with each other. Now you wanna bring me home to meet the family and shit?”
“Yeah. I mean, I was thinking, like at the end of the day, I’m grown. There’s nothing Q-Note or Silver Records can do about us seeing each other.”
“Okay… so why don’t you bring it up to Q-Note about us doing a track together?”
I thought about it for a minute. “I mean, honestly, he might go for it, depending on the track. Silver Records is the bigger problem.”
“True.”
“It’s the whole fraternization policy.”
“I mean I think it would make more sense that artists that are dealing with each other could work together. It might show that one doesn’t affect the other y’know?”
“Maybe.”
“Aight, well maybe you should hit up Q-Note about a track for us.”
“It needs a concept. I honestly haven’t given that much thought with all the work going into my album right now.”
“You’re smart, you’ll think of something.”
“You about to hang up?”
“Yeah… I got work to do. Call me tomorrow.”
“Oh, okay… yeah.”
My dreams were crazy that night. First I dreamt that I brought Sekani home for dinner, and my father popped up. My father never ate at my house. In fact, since I was sixteen, he never even came near my house. In the dream though, he was there sitting happily at the dining room table with my mother, and my grandparents. Sekani walked in and my father erupted. He cursed him out and fired him from the label. Sekani yelled a barrage of curses back at him and stormed out. My mother sat back and folded her arms. “Serves him right,” she said. “I don’t know what made him think he could date my daughter.”
“I feel like this is the same thing Dad’s family did to you,” I said to my mother. “This is why I don’t have a relationship with them now. I have two more living grandparents that I don’t know at all.”
“It’s not the same thing… it’s not the same thing… it’s not the same thing,” both of my parents repeated.
In the next dream, I was in the studio with Q-Note. He was telling me he had someone for me to do a track with. I looked up towards the door and in walked Sekani.
“I thought this was against policy and all that,” I said.
“What is?” Q asked. “It’s not against anybody’s policy for y’all to work together.”
“Well there’s more going on than that,” I admitted.
Sekani nodded for me to continue.
“We’re seeing each other. Matter of fact, we’re in love.”
Q-Note shrugged his shoulders. “What can I do?” he asked. “You grown now lil sis. You do what you want.”
When he said that though, Sekani’s skin started to change. It became scaly like a snake.
“What’s wrong with you?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” he said running his hand down his arm. “This started this morning.” When he turned to look at me his tongue darted out at me like a snake, and just as I ducked, I woke up gasping for air.

Sugar
I was nervous meeting with Taylor Thompson, and I wasn’t sure why. She wasn’t intimidating. She was just a little girl who got on my nerves. I hoped to have some time to calm my nerves as I entered the studio. I heard the sixteen she wrote for the track and I had to admit, it was good. Maybe that’s what made me nervous; the fact that I had to give her credit for something. I would also have to give Q-Note extra credit for his good ear. I entered the studio to find Taylor sitting on the boards, and this new rapper Kani sitting in Q-Note’s chair in front of her. They were just talking, but the energy in the room told me that I had walked in on something. Taylor hopped off the boards, and Kani spun around in the chair, both of them nervously greeting me.
“Hey,” I said eyeing them through my sunglasses. I was also actively controlling my mood. I wanted to avoid a perceived outburst, so I took half a Lithobid. I wasn’t ready to go back on my meds completely, but I knew I couldn’t rely on willpower alone to tame the beast.
“Q-Note is running a little late,” Taylor said as she cleared her throat.
“And is Bow Wow here running the session?” I asked, gesturing towards Kani.
Kani rolled his eyes. “I’ma get outta here,” he said as he hugged Taylor hesitantly.
They both looked like if I was not there it would have been more than a hug. If they were secretly dealing with each other, why did it have to be a secret? Oh… Max’s fraternization policies, I answered the voice in my brain with the other voice in my brain.
Taylor and I sat down in chairs across from each other. She whipped out her phone and immediately gave the screen all of her attention. That was fine with me. I wasn’t that pressed to talk to her either. In fact I was slightly bothered that Q-Note wasn’t there to be a buffer between us.
I couldn’t stop myself from asking though, “So you’re fuckin Kani, huh?”
Taylor’s eyes shot up. “No,” said her mouth, but everything else screamed yes.
“Max always eventually lightens up on the fraternization policies. It’s really no big deal.”
Q-Note walked in asking, “What’s no big deal?”
“Nothing.” Taylor and I both said at the same time. As we made eye contact, I knew my assumption was right.
“Okay,” Q-Note said, as he got settled in. “Alright, let’s get started. I’ll let you guys hear what I did. You can make any adjustments you need to make to the lyrics, and then you ladies can get in the booth. Sound good?”
“Sounds good to me,” said Taylor.
“Yeah, we can do that,” I said as I removed my sunglasses and jacket.
Q-Note’s tweaks to the music were great. I knew that he would know what to do. I knew I could trust him to add and raise the right sounds. Looking at my lyrics, I mentally noted where I would adjust my pitch to the music. I didn’t want to admit it right away, but I was getting that feeling in my bones when I knew a track was going to be fire. Visions of young girls vibing out to it in drop top convertibles played in my mind, and I smiled to myself. Even with Taylor’s touch, this shit was gonna be a summer hit.
I went in the booth and belted out my notes. This is where I was grateful that I had not fully went back on my meds. There would be a period of physical adjustments for one. The side affects were always a doozy on my stomach. When I cut the pills myself though, nothing lasted too long. I was able to let loose in the booth and nothing diluted the emotion that came with the lyrics that poured from my soul.
“Ghaaa damn!” said Q-Note ink his best old man voice when I exited the booth.
Taylor was clapping her hands. “I wish I could sing like that,” she said.
“You sing,” said Q-Note.
“Nah, Sugar be sangin! We all know there’s a difference. Y’all sure y’all want my lil sixteen on this?”
“Hell yeah,” said Q-Note. “I know y’all don’t quite hear what I hear yet, but now listen Taylor… do not hold back. Make every syllable heard. I don’t care if you’re popping p’s and bussin b’s. These are top of line mics, they can take it all. Besides, I know what to do if I have to take any of the edge off at all. But go in and go hard Taylor like I know you can.”
Taylor took a deep breath and stepped into the booth.
I watched as she adjust the headphones, and counted off in her mind. When the beat dropped her tone completely changed from the little Taylor Thompson I was used to hearing on the radio. Suddenly I was hearing a young woman laying down the law on this track. Its All Mine was going to be a banger, and I could feel its magic boiling in the room. After that one take, Taylor stepped from the booth and shrugged her shoulders.
“Not bad Small Fry,” I said to her, unable to stop my softening towards her.
Her childish grin returned.
Q-Note turned to wink at me as if to say, “told you so.”
Taylor and I took turns going back and forth in the booth throwing in ad-libs and what not. By the end of the session I was exhausted, but feeling accomplished. Q-Note took out a bottle of Hennessy, and I frowned a little.
“What? Bronx-nigga-shit?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I responded.
“Well thats what’s here. I don’t have any champagne for you classy ladies, but I think we deserve to sip something to celebrate.”
“No thanks,” I said, thinking that my meds had most likely completely worn off by this time. I didn’t need any triggers.
Taylor accepted a little, but I could tell she wouldn’t have chosen it herself.
“I was thinking,” Q-Note said.
I rolled my eyes again.
“Nah,” he said, catching my drift. “Don’t even make that face. We really did some shit today, and it was all my idea. I know we can keep it going.”
“See this is exactly what I don’t need!” I barked. “This is my project! I don’t need no Henny-drinkin Bronx-nigga tryna take over my shit. Just cuz you had one good idea, don’t mean you’re about to rearrange my whole fuckin album.”
“Pipe down shorty,” Q-Note said, setting his drink to the side. “I don’t know what the fuck type of time you on, but this ain’t about ya ‘I Am Woman Hear Me Roar’ album, this is about career moves. Why don’t you listen before you go off the rails?”
“Listen for what? All you mutha fuckas got one thing on your minds with me!”
“Sugar I don’t even know whatchu talkin about.”
“I wanna hear Q’s idea,” Taylor chimed in.
“Of course you do, you baby pick-me.”
“What?” Taylor gasped.
“You’re so willing to follow through with all his lil corny ideas, just like when he suggested Malik get on your Giggle track!”
“The song was a hit though!” Taylor yelled back in my face.
“Bitch I will break ya lil bird neck if you don’t sit the fuck down!”
“Who the fuck you talking to Sugar? Have you lost your mind?”
“Lost my mind? Lost my mind? Don’t you come at me askin if I lost my mind! I’m tired of mutha fuckas doin the most!”
“Alright!” Q-Note yelled as he came between us. “It’s been a long night. Y’all can just call it quits for now and go home. I like what we did here. I don’t wanna lose the energy. Before shit gets crazy, I’m saying everybody should go home.”
“Yeah, I’m outta here,” I said gathering my stuff.
“I need to talk to you,” Taylor said to Q-Note in a low voice.
I didn’t know if it was about me or Kani, and I kind of wanted to know but I was feeling hot and agitated. I knew I wanted to get back to my hotel room and chill. I barely said goodbye as I called my car to get me back to my luxury room in Manhattan.
*****
Once in my hotel room, I called Malik. I didn’t know what else to do. I argued with the driver all the way to down to the Hyatt. I had this feeling like everyone was determined to work against me suddenly, and treat me like I didn’t know what I was talking about.
“Hey baby, how was your session?” he asked as he answered.
“It… it…” I bursted into tears. “You have to come here!” I cried.
“What happened Sugar?”
“The session was good!” I hollered. “The song is so good and I know, I just know its going to be crazy this summer! But Q-Note wants to take over my album! He’s trying to ruin it!”
“Did he say that?”
“No! Why would anybody admit they wanna ruin somebody else’s project?”
“Sugar, the song with Taylor came out good right?”
“Better than good,” I sniffled.
“Okay then, how does that equate to Q wanting to ruin your album?”
“Because he’s trying to take over!”
“Okay, okay… I’m gonna come up there. Gimme a few hours okay. Matter of fact, I’m gonna call you back in a few minutes, but I will definitely be there in a few hours okay?”
“Okay…”
I took all of my clothes off, climbed into the big comfortable bed, and buried myself deep as physically possible in the middle of the mattress under the layers of covers and the comforter. Still my body felt unsettled and I fidgeted. I threw the covers back and ran into the bathroom. I turned the shower on and up to the highest temperature. I stepped into the piping hot water, and only when the most sensitive parts of my skin burn, did I turn the temperature down a little. I wanted the burn, but I wanted it at a bearable sensation. I cried in the shower as the most random thoughts plagued my mind. Why wasn’t Malik just there with me already? Why was Q-Note trying to change my album? Why did Taylor have to actually sound good on my song? I know I’m losing it somewhere, but where? These are things that are legitimately bothering me. I should call my mother. No. She’ll talk to me about my meds. Where is my father? What father? I didn’t have a father and I wished that I did. I could call Max, that’s it. Max was the closest thing I had to a father. I could call Max. No. No. No. Max was totally against me having complete control of this album. He would not hear me out.
I sat down on the floor of the shower and cried uncontrollably. I just wanted the feeling to stop. I felt like I was running ahead of myself and I couldn’t stop myself. How did I make it stop? Medication. Medication was the only way to make it stop, but it would also stop my creative flow. I thought about I sang in the booth earlier that day and a smile emerged through my tears. I kept replaying my own voice in my head as I sat on the shower floor staring up at the water sprinkling down on me. In that moment I also realized my locs were getting soaking wet and not only would it take a while for them to dry, but they would have to be retested being that my hair was super fine and curly and unraveled easily. I didn’t care. That was a problem for the next day. For the moment I had found safety in the sound of my own voice replaying in my mind, so I stayed there for as long as I could.

Malik
I called Q-Note to find out what had gone down in the studio. Something told me to have my shit together and be ready to head up to New York. I had been really tied up in writing for a few other artists. I was trying to meet deadlines, and I felt like I wasn’t keeping up with anything but work. I felt bad for allowing Sugar to do a lot of traveling on her own, but the truth was, I didn’t write that well around her. She was a distraction. When she was manic I had to take care of her. When she was chill, I felt like I was constantly trying to reach the real Sugar. I needed to find a better balance between Sugar, work, and family. In the meantime though, I had to find out from Q-Note exactly what went on in that studio. Nobody else knew for sure that she was bipolar, so I prepared my ears for Q to go off about my diva-girlfriend.
“Malik, sup boy?” Q-Note’s voice came through my car speaker as I embarked on my six hour drive.
“Aye man, you tell me. Sugar called me crying hysterical man—”
“Look,” Q said sighing, “I was about to make a suggestion and she just popped off on me.”
“She said you were trying to take over her album.”
“Pssshhh, not at all. I wasn’t thinking about her album. In fact, I wanted to suggest something sort of on the flip side.”
“Uh huh…”
“Yo, when you hear this track man… these girls really did some shit in here. The shit is so fire. I never wanna brag my nigga, but I been on a roll, know what I’m sayin? I haven’t had a flop in a minute. This shit they did is something else. The shit is so hot and its so them, I’m good with being a seen an unheard producer. Know what I mean? Like, I’m cool with my name being in the credits and nothing else. I’ll collect my royalties from the backroom. I don’t need to be ‘dancin… all in the videos’ and shit.”
I laughed at his Suge Knight reference.
“You get what I’m sayin though right?”
“Yeah man, no doubt.”
“Anyway though, once they laid the track, I had an idea for Sugar. I was gonna suggest that she—”
“Suggest or insist? Cuz you push Q.”
Q chuckled. “I know. I probably would’ve insisted after suggesting. But I didn’t even get to suggest. I just wanted her to do the hook on one of Taylor’s tracks. Taylor is working on her album too. Me and you spoke about this before. They’re both really on the same wave, and really my nigga, they about to run summer. Like summer is their’s this year. The crossover between them is really gonna change the game out here.”
My mind tumbled the ideas over as I listened to Q-Note and focused on the road. His idea made sense to me as well. I had to clean up the mess between him and Sugar though. I looked at the time on my gps. I was going to call her back directly after this phone call just to keep her stable, but when I got to New York, I was gonna have to really talk her down and get her to at least heavily consider the idea of singing the hook on a Taylor Thompson song.
“While I gotchu on the phone,” Q-Note added, “I hope you don’t mind if I vent a little bit.”
“Uh… I guess.”
“Really, I know we don’t always talk like this but I just got hit with some other shit and for now I don’t know where else to go with it.”
“Okay.”
“I mean, literally like as soon as Sugar stormed out of the studio, Taylor hit me with some shit.”
“What’s the deal with you and Taylor?” I blurted out.
“Huh? Whatchu mean?”
“I mean, y’all work together a lot.”
“Same way Timbaland, Missy, Aaliyah, and a few others constantly worked together with no intimate ties?”
I cleared my throat. “Sorry bruh. I didn’t mean…”
“You’re not the first to ask. For the record though, your lady has made it well-known, tonight even that she is not happy that you’ve worked with Taylor as well.”
“I know, I know.”
“Taylor is very kid-sister. Know what I mean?”
“Most definitely. So what happened?”
“On that same exact note my nigga… I think she disregarded some advice of mine and I think she’s fuckin that rapper Kani.”
“What?”
“You heard right homeboy.”
“Well where did that come from? Kani is a lil wanna be gangster.”
“Shit, don’t I know it. But as soon as Sugar bounced, Taylor asks me about her and Kani doing a track.”
“So that means they fuckin?”
“Well… just as we start talkin about it, cuz y’know I had my questions and shit, she texts the nigga and he comes through. He was here in another studio.”
“And this all implies that they’re fuckin?”
“Look I knew she had a thing for him when they cross paths in here before. I told her little ass to stay away from him. Talented or not, that lil nigga ain’t shit, and ain’t gon be shit for a long time. Taylor is fresh meat out here and I don’t think she realizes it cuz she’s really been on the scene for a lil while now. But now that she’s twenty-one niggas is gunnin for her harder than they ever were before. We all know, all it takes is one.”
“Yeah but we also know how creativity works. Taylor just might have to have some shit happen to her to create something epic.”
Q-Note was quiet for a minute. “Yeah… yeah,” he finally said. “You might be right. I mean the shit is gonna fuck with me mentally if I just watch it happen. But you have a point.”
“She gon do what she wanna do either way dog.”
“Yeah, that’s true too.”
“You really ain’t stoppin nuthin.”
“Yeah…”
“So whatchu think of them doin some shit together though?”
“Its whatever. I mean it could work. He’s hot right now. The album she workin on about to be hot. It could work.”
“Then let it do what it do my man.”
“Say less bro. Look, I’m sorry about Sugar. I didn’t mean to set her off and have you caught up in nuthin. You know how she turns up though.”
“Yeah no doubt. Let it go. I’ma talk to her. I’ll hit you back after I do.”
“Aight no doubt. Take care bruh.”
“You too.”
*****
By the time I was able to let myself into Sugar’s room, she was sound asleep under the fluffy white comforters. Sleep was a good sign. Even if she was completely naked and her hair was damp, and the shower was still running. I took my clothes off and stepped into the running water to rinse off. It was hot surprisingly. I then proceeded to rouse her and dress her in some cozy pajamas I found in her bag.
“You’re here,” she said groggily looking into my eyes.
I nodded. “I’m here. You can go back to sleep.”
She slumped back down onto the bed and I did the best I could putting her long locs into a bun so that I wouldn’t be tangled in cold damp ropes as I slept.
In a few hours she was up, ordering room service and asking me if I was hungry.
“I’ll have some French toast,” I requested before properly saying good morning.
After brushing my teeth, I sat down on the bed next to her as she scrolled streaming services with the remote in one hand and Twitter with her phone in her other hand.
“Q-Note is already promoting the song,” she said without looking at me.
I was glad that she brought it up. This made it easier for me to mention Q’s suggestion, like it was my own. Although when she was manic she thought everyone was out to get her, she was still more inclined to listen to me. “I mean, the best thing to do is drum up some talk right? I’m sure he’s already mixing it down. If you don’t use it as a debut single, it should be an immediate follow up. Did you have anything in mind for a single?”
“Not really.”
“I think you should really consider it.”
She rocked her head from side to side as if she was literally throwing the idea around in her head.
“Since it wasn’t so bad working with Taylor, what about collaborating with her one more time?”
Sugar rolled her eyes.
“It’s a bag Sugar. Why don’t you do a hook for her?”
“Just because we worked well together once doesn’t mean I suddenly like her.”
“Since when you gotta like somebody to work with them? And last night obviously proved that shit really don’t matter with y’all. The Black girl magic still happens.” I nudged her and she swatted my hand away. “Think about it. From what Q-Note told me, y’all are very much on the same wavelength right now. Takin charge of your own paths. I think y’all can take home every music award there is by the end of this year with what you’re doing and these collaborations. I’m not saying make a girl group. I’m just saying, the girl makes hits. The two of you together is like a sweet and savory mix, y’know?”
“I guess.”
I laughed to myself knowing I had her mind going.
The food arrived, and Sugar went about serving me my food at the little table by the grand window in the room that opened up to a view of majestic skyscrapers.
“I was thinking,” Sugar announced, “or I was wondering… or maybe no, maybe I do mean thinking. We should have a baby after this album drops.”
I nearly choked on my coffee. “A what?”
“A baby.”
I looked at her face and I could see that although her body and mind were free of meds, she was dead serious.
“A baby. What makes you feel like after this album comes out is a good time for us to have a baby?” I had to tread lightly. It didn’t seem wise to say that I was far from ready to be a father. I also had a lot of questions about her mental condition, and whether or not it was a safe idea for her to parent.
“I’m a multiplatinum artist. I have Grammys and I’m not even thirty yet, but I will be thirty soon. I just feel like it’s the next step in my life.”
“You don’t feel like you’re skipping a few steps?”
“Like what?”
“Like marriage maybe?”
“Do you wanna marry me?”
Fuck. She got me there. I loved Sugar, there was no doubt about that. Manic Sugar was hard to be with, and medicated Sugar was hard to reach, but somehow I loved what was underneath it all. I just needed breaks. Regular and frequent breaks. Marriage meant no breaks. I swallowed hard before answering. “One day.”
“One day when? You think we’re gonna live forever? We’re not getting any younger.”
“But we are still young.”
“Well I don’t wanna be an old mom either.”
I sighed. “This is big Sugar. I don’t think it’s a split decision, like hey let’s make a baby on this day. Babies need things. Babies grow up, and then they need even more things and there’s so much other shit to consider.”
“Like if they’ll be born with bipolar disorder?”
She said exactly what I was thinking, but I had an out. “Or Down syndrome.”
She sat back in her seat, quiet now.
“When certain shit pops up in your family, genetics is something we really have to think about. We don’t know which way these things can go, and I’m not just talking about bipolar disorder. And not to sound fucked up but that’s a chemical imbalance. Your mother isn’t dealing with it. What if it’s something your father dealt with.”
“You know I don’t know shit about my father,” she quipped.
“I mean you do at least know enough to put you on the right track to some genetic research.”
“I don’t.”
“Sugar…”
“I know you think I’m being dramatic, but I don’t know anything about him cuz I don’t even know who the fuck he is.”
This was news to me. Sugar and her mother were always really vague on the topic of her father but I thought it was just some shit they didn’t want to talk about. I assumed he walked out on them. Now she was telling me she had no idea who he was. “Your mother never told you anything about him?”
“Nope. She says the story and his existence is a waste of time. The only good that came from it was me and nobody reminisces on the empty lot before something grand was built there.”
I sat back in my seat now.
“Look, we don’t have to have a baby. I can have a baby without you.”
I shook my head. “I didn’t say no Sugar. I just said we need time, and there’s a lot to be considered.”
“Yeah… Down Syndrome, marriage, and whether or not my nonexistent daddy gave me bipolar disorder. Heard you Malik.”