Chapter Five - Marsha

December had rolled around, and I was feeling on top of the world. I had the perfect job and the perfect relationship. Jeremy no longer had outbursts, but he was clearly territorial, and I didn’t fight it too much because I knew he had nothing to worry about. As far as I was concerned, he was working himself up for nothing, and that was his business, so long as he never embarrassed me.
Sheila and Ansol threw a party two nights before Christmas. Many of our cousins and their friends had once again piled up in our living room; this time, the rug stayed on the floor, and the windows stayed closed as the temperatures steadied in the thirties. There wasn’t as much dancing as there was eating, drinking, games, and pure merriment.
Scratches and Ansol’s newest flame, Karen, were in attendance. Other than Jeremy, I didn’t have friends that I would invite over.
It had taken me some time to figure out that it was Tina whom Jeremy had once dated. I had to piece that information together through comments and attitudes from Jeremy, Tina, and Sheila as well. I didn’t worry about it, though, because Jeremy was into me, and I had seen Tina with several guys over the summer. From what I could put together, Jeremy lost interest in her, and she was hurt. Jeremy did what men do and started talking to someone else—me. The muddy part of the story was whether or not he actually broke up with Tina before being seen around The Bronx with other women. At this point, though, I figured it no longer mattered…
Until after my third Shandy, I went down the hall to use the bathroom and happened upon an intoxicated Tina, fawning all over Jeremy.
The scene was all too reminiscent of catching my father with that teacher in the fourth grade. As I watched Jeremy and Tina, I froze. I am not Lucinda Lindo, I thought to myself. I won’t tolerate this. With that, I mustered the gall to put a stop to the flirt session.
“I know you’re not gettin anything from that tight-up virgin,” Tina said, leaning into Jeremy with her hand on his chest.
“So you want to be the one to tide me over until I do?” Jeremy asked.
“I gotchu,” Tina slurred.
“Yeah, okay. I thought I was all kinda ‘dutty-bwoys’ or whatever you Antiguan girls be sayin.”
“Yeah, well, you is. That’s how I know you ain’t given the virgin gyal no pipe. She ain’t ready, and if she was, she couldn’t handle it. Not like you know I can.”
I finally cleared my throat, sharply halting their banter.
Jeremy’s guilt was all over his face while mischief spread over Tina’s.
“Marsha,” said Jeremy, “tell Sheila her friend is—how do you guys say, ‘drunk ah rass?’”
“Oh, really?” I asked.
“Yeah, tell Sheila she needs to go home.”
“Muh good,” Tina waved the two off as she clamored back to the living room in her heels.
“What are you doing?” I pressed Jeremy through my teeth.
“Nothing,” he laughed.
“How yuh mean?”
“Don’t start that patois shit with me,” Jeremy glared. “You want the whole house to hear you cussin me out on Christmas?”
I suppressed a groan. “Scuze me please, you are blocking the toilet.” I ignored Jeremy’s sly smile as he let me pass.
The next day, Christmas Eve, I could not stop thinking about the exchange between Jeremy and Tina. What did it all mean? Were they still sleeping together? At first, I wasn’t even sure that they had ever slept together, but now I knew for a fact that they did. It hurt to know that I was being referred to as the “virgin” or the “tight-up virgin.” The word virgin stung the same as “stush” once did. No one understood me. Loose behavior could only lead to trouble, and friendliness could lead to too many people knowing my business and diverting my focus from my goals. I was going to be a traveling historian like Ms. Reid. I didn’t need any distractions. No one around me had goals as big as mine, and no one was as dedicated as I was. I tuned out the whispers in high school, and I’d forgotten what life was like before them. The exchange between Jeremy and Tina brought me right back to those times, when I wanted to be understood. Now I would have to get back to not caring, but in a matter of months, I’d completely veered from who I once was and didn’t see a way back to her.
This evening, while Sheila slaved over a big dinner all on her own, and Ansol was at his girlfriend’s house, Jeremy and I sat alone in the living room.
“I just want you to know how important you are to me,” Jeremy said as he reached into his pocket. He took out a ring box, and sweat prickled the back of my neck. At the party he’d given me a teacher’s mug and a pencil holder in the shape of an apple. I gave him a pair of gloves and a Kangol newsboy cap.
Why is he proposing? I thought. I can’t say yes. It’s only been six or seven months. My parents would not approve. Jeremy opened the box to reveal a very simple infinity ring.
“I love you, Marsha, and I want to be with you forever.”
Lost for words, I simply uttered, “Aren’t you supposed to get on one knee?”
Jeremy choked and then chuckled a little bit. “Uh, no. Not that I know of. This is a promise ring, Marsha.”
“Oh,” I first sighed with relief, but embarrassment leaked into the moment.
“Yeah, but what do you think? Do you like it?” he asked with an eagerness in his eyes.
I nodded slowly.
“And?”
“And?” I asked back.
“I said, ‘I love you, Marsha.’”
“Oh. Yes. Thank you.” I was still confused.
“Well?”
“I like the ring,” I said as I processed the moment.
“But do you love me?” Jeremy asked.
“Yes,” I smiled. “Of course.” Every night I thought about how much I loved Jeremy. Why was it so hard to say now?
Jeremy looked relieved, then pulled me into a heated, passionate kiss.
“Eh hem,” Sheila interrupted. “This is still my house, and I don’t need any nasty tings goin on, on my couch.” She stomped across the room and attempted to separate us with her hands.
“It’s cool, it’s cool, you don’t have to do all that,” Jeremy said, scooting himself away from me.
“Tank you,” Sheila said sternly. She turned to me, “Scratches is on his way, so I am going to spend a few hours wit him and his family. The turkey is on, but it won’t be done for a while, and I’ll be home before eleven.”
I nodded.
“You can come wit me,” she suggested.
I looked at Jeremy.
“Well, you both could come,” Sheila corrected herself.
I thought for a moment and decided against it. The house party the night before was all the high-powered social interaction I could take that week. Plus, I could confront Jeremy alone about his conversation with Tina. “No, tanks.”
“Are you sure?” Sheila pushed.
“I’m sure,” I spoke up for the two of us.
Sheila nodded and sighed. “Just be sure to base the turkey frequently.” With that, she went to her bedroom to get ready.

*****


American Christmas movies intrigued me. I learned a lot about American culture from them. The way Americans celebrated and what they valued was so different from life in Antigua. There was so much focus on the tree, Santa Claus, and gifting. While in Antigua, the focus was on family, celebration, and the birth of Christ. My father gave his children gifts on Christmas Eve, but everyone got one thing, and that just wasn’t what the holiday was centered on. Antiguan villages were mostly large families spread out in different households, and so while our homes were decorated with lights and maybe a Christmas tree, the most important thing was time spent with family. Early on Christmas mornings, Mummy would cook a huge breakfast, and she barely left the kitchen for the remainder of the day. She spent her time cooking the Christmas feast that fed others in the village as they stopped by throughout the day to share their merriment. When I was younger, I would go out with my father and siblings, traveling from house to house saying, “Happy Christmas,” and partaking in whatever was on their Christmas menu. After a while, though, I was glad to spend the holiday alone, watching American Christmas movies.
These were the thoughts that circulated in my mind as Jeremy and I watched Miracle on 34th Street on the new living room television that my father bought as a token of appreciation to Sheila for giving me a place to stay. I asked Jeremy how he felt about it and what it was like in Haiti. He didn’t say much, but what he did tell me sounded like it wasn’t much different from Antigua. I enjoyed these kinds of comparisons; I loved dissecting cultures and the histories behind them.
As soon as Sheila left, though, I remembered why I wanted to be alone with Jeremy. I had something to ask him, but Jeremy had something completely different on his mind. He pulled me in close to resume the make-out session that had ensued earlier. I wasn’t easily overtaken. After one kiss, I pulled away from him and asked in my sweetest tone so as not to agitate him, “So it was Tina you had a ting wit?”
Jeremy rolled his eyes. “Yeah. So?”
“So? Is it over?”
“Yeah. It’s been over a long time.”
“So what was going on last night in the hallway?” I leaned in for more of an explanation.
“What?”
“By the bat’room?”
“Seriously, Marsha?” Jeremy rolled his eyes.
“Seriously, Jeremy,” I didn’t blink.
“Marsha, there’s nothing between me and that girl anymore.”
“So what was all that talk about her tiding you over?” My eyes locked in on his.
“I was drinking, and I was just playing around. I wasn’t serious.” Jeremy shook his head from side to side and shrugged.
“Why would you play around like that?”
“Because I was drinking.”
“So if you were sober, you wouldn’t joke with her like that?” I probed.
“Probably not.”
“Probably not? That’s not enough for me, Jeremy.” I pulled my body back slightly.
“Well, it’s gonna have to be enough because that’s all I got.”
Stuck, I focused on the television in front of me. He never gave in as easily as I did. TCM was playing one old Christmas movie after another. I could sit on the couch in silence all night if I had to. I had to find a way to make him bend just a little.
Jeremy eased his arm around my shoulders again and started to kiss my neck. The sensations sent chills up and down my spine, but I didn’t want to give in. I felt he owed me an explanation about the situation with Tina, but I didn’t know how to get it out of him. Eventually, he whispered in my ear, “C’mon, I know you’re not that into these old black and white movies.”
“But I am,” I responded, not taking my eyes off the television.
Two of his fingers touched my chin, and he gently guided my head to face him. “You’re enjoying the television better than my company?”
“No,” I said. “I’m happy to have both at the same time.
“I can do things that will make you forget the television is here.”
Jitters kicked in. This wasn’t Jeremy’s first attempt, and deep down inside I wanted to give in to him. I wanted to express to him how I was feeling, but I didn’t know how. I’d avoided these types of situations throughout high school. I’d once narrowly escaped a soccer player’s advances back in Antigua. Now I wondered, if I had gone through with it, would I feel more at ease with Jeremy? Would I have the necessary experience for an encounter with someone of his extensive sexual wisdom? Embarrassment gradually began to shroud me as I thought about what to do next. I chided myself for not being more knowledgeable. But all I knew was what I’d seen on television and what I’d heard from Sheila and her friends, half of which I barely understood. “I think you should go home,” I blurted out.
Jeremy gasped and sat back. “You’re serious?” he half-questioned.
“Yes, I am.”
“Marsha, I told you I love you.”
“Yes, I know.”
“And you love me, right?”
“Yes.”
“So what’s the problem? We have a perfect opportunity.”
“I—I’m not ready.”
Jeremy paused, and I don’t know why that made me want to cry.
“Okay,” Jeremy said. “He sat back on the couch and folded his arms.
I got up and went to the bathroom to pull myself together. I needed to do something to avoid the crying that was pulling at the corners of my eyes. Why did I feel like this? Why did it seem to matter so much now? I never cared before what anyone else wanted from me. I always did exactly what I wanted to do, how I wanted to do it, when I wanted to. I washed my hands and splashed cold water on my face. It helped calm my nerves enough that when I inspected my face in the mirror for nonexistent blemishes, I no longer felt the urge to cry. I took a deep breath and went from the bathroom to the kitchen for a snack. As I scrounged around for something crunchy, an idea came to mind. I went back into the living room and asked a bored-looking Jeremy, “You wanna bake cookies?”
“Bake cookies?”
“Americans are always baking cookies for Santa. We have some chocolate chip cookie dough in the freezer.”
“I’m not crazy about chocolate chip, and of course I don’t believe in Santa, but why not?” Jeremy shrugged and joined me in the kitchen.
By the time Sheila returned, we were sitting at the kitchen table laughing about our oddly shaped cookies. I could see the suspicion in her eyes as she looked us over. I figured she probably inspected the living room, too. She left for a few minutes, but soon returned in her pajamas and asked, “You mind if I have some?” She gestured towards the cookies on the plate between Jeremy and me.
“Of course,” I dragged the plate over for her to have a better reach.
Sheila smiled as she took three cookies off the plate. “I guess I’ll have some milk too,” she said and poured herself a glass, but didn’t leave without warming it for a brief second in the microwave.
Jeremy and I looked at each other, noting Sheila’s changed disposition. Warmed milk and cookies in hand, Sheila bid us good night and headed to bed.

*****


One night, just as Lucinda had sat her children down for dinner, there was a loud banging on the front door. She glanced around the table, and then made her way to the door. “Who is there?” she called out.
“Muh come fa Dr. Lindo!” a woman shouted.
Lucinda squared her shoulders and opened the door. “Who are you?” Lucinda asked the fuming woman in her doorway, although she already had an idea when she heard the voice through the door. When she looked down at the smooth brown child with her husband’s face, she knew for sure who the woman was.
“Yuh know who mi is!” The woman shook with fury.
Lucinda sighed.
“You ‘tand up inna my doorway so vex, but mi never see you a day in all mi life.”
“Ask ya triflin husband.”
“Mi sure him nuh know you either.”
“Yuh cyan be serious!” the woman carried on. “Look, mi know one of him other baby-mother’s drop off she pik’ney here. Mi can afford fa take care of mine, but it’s not fair. Look how well all’yuh live. Him cyan jus come and lie dung inna mi bed then left mi wit another mout to feed while he has plenty food and tings to share here. Tek her! Mi have to do this because he owes her more than he owes me!” The woman pushed the reluctant little girl into the house.
The little girl turned to her crying, “Mummy, please.”
“You need fa know ya father. Is you say ya want fa know him. Him is a rich man, and this is his big house,” the woman insisted.
“It’s okay,” the girl sobbed. “I don’t want to know him anymore. Mi jus want fa go back home wit you!”
“Mi cyan take you—”
“This isn’t the way to settle whatever the problem is,” said Lucinda.
“It’s the only way,” the woman said, turning away from the doorstep.
The girl chased after her sobbing, but the woman moved quickly, making sure to latch the gate behind her before jumping into a jeep and taking off.
Lucinda tried to gather the fallen girl in the yard, but the girl screamed at her to stay away. So, Lucinda left her there crying until dark. By then, the girl had no more strength in her tiny body to fight.
The next day, Lucinda offered to take the girl back to her mother. “Yuh have to tell me ya name,” Lucinda said softly, though she’d already found out from Delmont the night before, when he admitted the girl was indeed his child.
“Paige,” the girl mumbled.
Once inside the car, Paige directed Lucinda back to where she lived with her mother. They found the two-bedroom house empty, and neighbors nearby said Christine, the girl’s mother, had “gone ah foreign.” Lucinda didn’t have the patience to search for a woman in the States, Canada, or the UK. So, she brought Paige back home with her and did the best she could to make the child comfortable. For a while, Paige was quiet, but suddenly she became arrogant and demanding. She wanted everything that Marsha had and demanded that Dr. Lindo give it to her because he “owed” her.
Both Dr. Lindo and Lucinda conceded to Paige’s juvenile desires. This inflated Paige’s actions and her resentment, which should have been reserved for her parents, Dr. Lindo, and Christine, but were always misdirected at Marsha. Ava, another younger sister, and a younger brother, Marshall, had both been dropped off not long before Paige, but they were still practically babies, and they were just happy to be loved. Paige, on the other hand, made it her business to be an annoying little sister. She paid no mind to her other sister, Jacinta, who was older than Marsha. Her older brothers, Damare and Josue, doted on her as much as her parents. Marsha, with her inclinations for peace, privacy, and solitude, was an easy target.
Shortly after Paige’s arrival, she was enrolled in the same school as Marsha. This gave Marsha no peace anywhere. Paige found a group of friends and didn’t hesitate to join with other students who cracked jokes on “Stush Gyal Marsha.” From a distance, no one would be able to tell the two were sisters, as Paige made it her business to bully her older sister outside of their home. She added on to the reason that Marsha was carefully concocting a plan to leave the island as soon as she graduated high school. ​