Bitter Baby-mamas

I can’t believe I’m still writing about this. With all the successful co-parenting examples we have on the socials, and some of y’all still out here creating drama. Frankly, it’s outdated and weird.

Let’s talk about how it’s outdated first. If you have a teenager or adult child and you are STILL beefin with the daddy, sum’n nuh right. It’s been over a decade sis, let that shit go. Whatever that man did up to 13 years ago has reached its statute of limitations. It’s no longer just spilled milk, it’s sour milk now. If you’re still carrying it around, you stink. How do I know? Well, for one and to use the term my co-parent hates, I’m a “baby mama.” I would like to claim that I was never bitter but that’s bullshit. However my bitterness only lasted about 9 months. I really couldn’t get into carrying that smelly shit around with me. Not only does it affect your vibe but it also affects your child’s vibe. They know when something is not right and, as the child of unmarried parents, I can tell you it’s uncomfortable. Unselfish moms that truly care about their child’s feelings won’t put their child through that. Please take that into consideration.

Also, it’s outdated because who does that these days? I thought Black folks were changing or clarifying the narrative. Baby mama-drama should be a thing of the past. Most of what I see up and down my social media timelines are examples of active fathers and successful co-parenting measures, which are ideal. The people in these videos and photos look happy, and I wouldn’t say stress free, cuz life still life’s, but they’re not unnecessarily stressed. They don’t have the added issue of a combative relationship with their co-parent.

So why is it weird to be a bitter baby mama? It gives mental instability, and how do you not feel yourself unraveling? If your child is your best friend, you’re not ok Sis. If you’re still co-sleeping EVERY night after three years old, you’re not ok Sis (Not the child. YOU.) If you spy on your child’s phone conversations with their father, you’re not ok Sis. If you are not dating simply because you have a child, you’re not ok Sis. If you say negative things to your child about their father and/or his family, you’re not ok Sis.

You’re an adult. Your best friend shouldn’t be 4, 5, or 6 years old. Know what? Lemme keep it 100 with y’all. Deep down I feel like a girl’s best friend (besides diamonds) is her mother. My child is and has been since her birth, undoubtedly my best friend. However, in raising her, I leaned on her godmothers… my best friends from childhood and according to her, that’s who mom’s best friends are. I never let my child think we were on the same level, even when we had similar sentiments towards her father. Get some friends to vent about your baby daddy to… or a therapist. Either one is healthier than talking to a five-year-old.

You’re an adult, and your “baby” is six. Get that child out your bed! Unless you’re facing hard times, you can and should sleep separately. Now, when I was 26, my daughter was 7 and we lived in a two-room basement apartment. I thought I could set up her bed in a certain corner but it never worked out that way. So for that year, she slept with me. In fact, I didn’t have consistent space for her to sleep in until she was eight. I left her father the year she turned five, and things were rough for a while. So I completely understand “hard times.” But if you can comfortably afford two or more bedrooms, that’s what you need to get and put your child in THEIR OWN bedroom. Co-sleeping with a school-aged child is crazy.

You’re an adult. Mind your business. Unless the father has been abusive, shows signs of potentially being abusive, and/or requires supervised visits, mind ya business. Let them go talk to their father. Let them have a relationship with their father that doesn’t involve you. Sometimes, what they won’t tell us, they will tell their dads. And guess what? Dad can address and advise accordingly. Everything doesn’t have to be on us as mothers. Give up some of that responsibility to the man that helped you make the child in the first place… and not just financially. He should know how to do everything you know how to do for that child. And trust there will be things that he can do that you can’t. You trusted him enough to go raw with him, trust him enough to be able to raise the child that came from your vulnerability with him.

GO ON A DAMN DATE!!! Are you really sitting at home getting grey on the top and cobwebbed between the legs cuz you have a child at home?? Please stop! Especially if you have an active baby daddy, and/or supportive grandparents, aunties, uncles, godparents, etc. Those people are your village. RELY on them. Don’t take advantage! But yes, rely on them. They should be active in their roles. And “Mama gotta have a life too.” (Baby Boy, 2001) Your life cannot be on hold because you are a mother. I guarantee you’ll be pouring from an empty cup if you are avoiding courtship. You deserve to be complimented and to enjoy yourself with an intimate or potentially intimate companion. Get your “hair done, nails done, everything did” (Drake, 2010), go outside, and fill your cup with joy that you can spread to your child!

This one goes back to being friends with your child… don’t talk about their fathers in a negative light to them. You have sisters, cousins, and friends for that type of venting. And it should be venting, not bashing. Remember, you cocked your legs open, or threw it back for him, so he obviously wasn’t that bad. Baby daddies can be frustrating so it’s okay to get it off your chest… with ya homegirls though and ya eight-year-old daughter is NOT ya homegirl.

Hanging on to the bitterness of a breakup does not benefit you in anyway. Steer clear of toxic elements between you and your child. The less you focus on that man, your ex, your baby daddy, the better you will feel. I promise you this and I can because I lived it.