Happy Wednesday…

I’m up later than usual and it’s been this way all week. Ever since I’ve been out of the classroom, I’ve made it a point to be intentional about my days. Working for myself means that my time is organized by me and while it sounds simple, when you’re over 40 and scatter-brained possibly due to perimenopause, time management is a feat.
During the Covid lockdown I was a time management MASTER. I lived on such a structured schedule and I was SO productive, happy, and proud of myself. I spent the last four years in the classroom reminiscing on being at home and getting things done.
Since being out of the classroom now, I manage a little bit but it’s not exactly the same. Here’s why…
My body isn’t the same. I mentioned possibly being perimenopausal for one. I’ve also been living with some conditions that overlap and have taken a toll on my body. For one, I’ve been chronically anemic for my entire life. I’ve been on iron pills, liquid iron, diets that are “high in iron…” I’ve even had a blood transfusion sixteen years ago. Three years ago I found out the real reason for it and I was also told that I will never have a normal hemoglobin level, but there is a sweet spot for me, where I won’t have to be on supplements or receive transfusions, which is how I manage it now. The way to that sweet spot is to have a procedure to attack the other condition. So that’s what I’m preparing for.

One of the things I dealt with while in the classroom was being sick more often than being well. But as a young Black woman one of hardest things to admit to is being sick, being incapable, and needing rest. I knew that I needed more rest in order to get well or at least feel well but so much was required me and to admit “I can’t do that right now because I am sick,” was a cop out. I would be giving in to laziness. I wasn’t persevering. Frankly, it’s embarrassing to admit that I need a little more rest than the average person some days. Why is the truth so embarrassing? Well we know why, and that’s another blog post.

I slept in today because I stayed up late last night to write. I’m no longer 26 and while I can still force myself to run off a few hours sleep, it proves to be risky for me. The first thing I do every morning is walk 1.5-2 miles. I walk the track in my complex or I walk on the treadmill. I like to do it at 7:30am, but today I’ll be down there around 9am, because my body needed more rest this morning and now I’m in the bathroom writing this impromptu blog in the notes app on my phone.

I like to start work at 9am and my adult learning clients know they can generally reach me around that time. I won’t start my actual work until around 10am though and that’s fine. I’m in charge of my time and more of it these days must be used for rest and self-care.

My head is clearer and I’ve been a much better help for both my adult learners and my consulting clients. Since admitting I need rest, and actually resting.

I’m not advising anyone to do what I do, except listen to your body, and be honest with yourself first, then others. Being dishonest landed me in the hospital for a week being pumped with a strangers blood, and for some reason, I still didn’t learn then. Now I’m forced to listen and be honest. Use your sick and personal days PLEASE. I know we like to save them up for vacations—that end up draining us 🤦🏾‍♀️ and this might require you to plan a little and be intentional as well. If you can plan an itinerary for your family for 5 days on an island or water park or ski resort, you can plan to SIT DOWN with a cup of tea. You can plan to meditate. You can plan being silent for most of a day. You can plan to SLEEP and recharge.
I know nowadays we’re saying “rest is resistance,” and all that, and while it’s true and beneficial to know, I can’t lean into that part of it. Right now it’s about me. I need rest because I am no longer choosing to feel uncomfortable and unpleasant for 90% of my day.
I had a coworker that used to turn off the lights in her classroom, close the door and take a nap at her desk. If you peeked into the room you wouldn’t know she was there. I should’ve been doing that, but I wanted to have my lesson plans for the next week prepared already. But then my lesson plans were a mess because… I didn’t rest. See where this is going?
Start simple. If you feel tired, if you feel sick—body aching, nauseous, headaches, sluggish, say out loud to yourself “I don’t feel well.” Hopefully, the next step is to address and not ignore.

Today is my mother’s birthday. Yesterday was my best friend’s birthday. D’Angelo died on my best friend’s birthday. I’ve known my best friend since the fourth grade. We’re now in our fourth decade. You do the math. We were in the seventh grade when our friendship was solidified—like BFF4eva type shit. That’s also the year D’Angelo’s first album came out and was on repeat in my Disc-man.
Diane Keaton died on October 11th, three days before D’Angelo. I loved me some Diane Keaton. She was a funny, and dressing-ass white lady. Like I said, I’m in my fourth decade, and I’ve been thinking a lot about the kind of grown lady I want to be. I have an aunt who dresses like Diane Keaton, and I’ve been working on mimicking their style with my own twist. See, I thought I was Left Eye from TLC from about fourth grade until eighth grade. So I was into the big jeans, large graphic t-shirts, and showing my once-flat tummy. I’m working on the grown lady version of that.
Angie Stone passed in March of this year. She sang one of the hardest heartbreak songs I’ve ever heard--Wish I Didn’t Miss You. I’ve had my heart broken twice, and that song surely aided in my grieving process.
 
She literally sings what my soul was crying:
 
One of these days, it’s gonna happen to you
Missing a love like I’m missing you
 
One of these days, when your dreams come true
That’s the one that’s gonna do it to you
 
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep anymore
Waiting for love to walk through the door
I wish I didn’t miss you anymore
 
Angie Stone is around my mother’s age. (Is, because her spirit lives on.) I was raised by my mother, grandmother, and aunt. Nobody talked about their heartbreaks. Lovers came and went. Some passed away. Some left babies. Nobody said, “My heart is broken. I feel like I can’t eat or sleep.” It was very much, “life goes on,” in my house. So for Angie to sing those words the way she did, they were what I needed to hear and from whom I needed to hear them.
D'Angelo’s rendition of Smokey Robinson’s Crusin’ was my young idea of romance. It’s supposed to be soulful. When he croons “I love it, I love it,” it’s like my heart pauses because whatever that moment was for him, whatever he was feeling, I wanna bottle it up and get inside the bottle with it. I wanna live in that too.
When I got a text message that D’Angelo had passed, I immediately said, “broken heart.” Turns out he had pancreatic cancer. But one of his greatest loves died suddenly and tragically earlier this year. Pancreatic cancer will take someone out quick, and a broken heart will exacerbate any illness.
So, today, a Wednesday, halfway through the week, my mother’s birthday, I am flooded with thoughts of the grown lady I’m working on, and how iconic Black creators that impacted my life and growth, my outlook on love, are now no longer here creating in the flesh. It’s a sadness I acknowledge, but can’t give in to. Thank God my father gave me a Discman, and my aunt and uncle let me borrow CDs for months at a time. Thank God for my family’s love of music, movies, and literature. Thank God for allowing me to be born in the 80s. I still got to experience raw talent.
 
I don’t know if I wanna say rest or sleep in peace. No matter how hard we try, creatives don’t sleep. So, it’s Create In Peace now I guess. Create without pressure. Create without slander. Create without criticism. Create without deadlines. Create in Peace.

​I ignored this phrase.
 
When I got into my relationship, and showed happiness, people would say “Oh you in your ‘Soft Girl Era.’” I didn’t really respond because it was usually in response to what my man does for me. I would think to myself, “But nobody treats me better than I treat me. I been in my Soft Girl Era. I won’t credit him for it.”
 
Today was different though.
 
I’ve always been a semi-tomboy. When I was a teenager, I wore a lot of sweatpants, and sometimes boxers. I loved sneakers. Nike Air Max and Nike Cortez were my thing. I wore other sneakers, but Air Max and Cortez is kinda where I lived. I got into a relationship with some-of-y’all-know-who, and that got shut down. First of all, I had a baby so sneaker shopping just didn’t go the way it used to. Second, what I did get, was surely, feminine. Last, I was literally told “Get rid of the boxers, baggy jeans, and sweat pants. I don’t wanna feel like I’m walking down the street with a twelve year old boy.”
 
So that’s what I did.
 
I wore pink Nike Dunks, low-rise boot cut jeans, with crop tops, and peek-a-boo thongs. *Sigh.* It wasn’t all his fault. Low-rise jeans with your thong showing was the trend at the time. I was also thirty pounds underweight, so oversized clothes would’ve swallowed me anyway. He was the catalyst though.
 
Today, me, the new man, and the bonus kid went to the mall—mostly for her to have a good time. I wasn’t thinking about anything for myself. On the way out of the mall though, he said “Get whatever it is you want or need.”
 
I just looked at him. I didn’t know what he was talking about, where that came from, or where it was leading. “What do you mean?” I asked.
 
“If you need or want something on this floor, get it now,” he said.
 
I pursed my lips. “I thought we were getting something to eat. Like are we going to the food court?”
 
He rolled his eyes. “I just mean anything that you want or need now.”
 
I was still stuck—mostly because I acted like a crab on the way to the mall. So I was thinking, Why would this man buy me anything right now?
 
We had another interesting exchange before entering a store, one I won’t elaborate on because it’ll take this post into a completely different direction about men and their inability to empathize with perimenopause.

And still one more detour...

My daughter has been insisting that I buy Mom-jeans and straight legs. She wears boot cut all the time and I’m like “been there, done that.” But she’s like, “Mom nobody wears skinny jeans as much as you do. You gotta try something else.” So I’ve been eyeing looser jeans and remembering the younger me who loved baggy jeans and oversized t-shirts. In the last few years, sweatsuits, and oversized t-shirts over leggings have become my off-work uniform. I’ve also been back on my sneaker kick, making sure I have a t-shirt, hoodie, or sweatsuit to match every pair.
 
Today, I picked up a pair of Mom-jeans, and three oversized t-shirts. He got them for me. When I got home, I tried on the jeans. I was happy and comfortable, and I felt cute. Comfortable-cute has become my m.o. for every item of clothing I buy. I showed him and he nodded his head with approval—not that I needed it. But you like to think your person thinks you look cute too.
 
I went upstairs to our bedroom after showing him the jeans and spread my t-shirts on the bed. Then the words came to me “Soft girl era.”
 
This is it, I said to myself. Today I feel like I am in my Soft girl era.
 
Why?
 
Not because he bought me stuff. He buys me stuff all the time. This man will get pissed off about something at work, leave the office to soothe himself with retail therapy, and buy me something. So it wasn’t that.
 
He bought me things I liked. Things that are not necessarily feminine. Things that make me and only me happy. There weren’t any stipulations. He knows that sneakers, oversized t-shirts, and sweatpants are my thing. Not once has he said to me, “You look like a boy,” when it came to my tomboy clothes. Do I think he likes them? Eh… In his fantasies he would probably have me wear maxi dresses 24/7, because he has this affinity for "maxi dress wedgies." However he likes when I smile more than anything and all it takes is some t-shirts to match her lil sneakers to make her giddy? Shit, why not?
 
I think a Soft Girl Era is different for everyone. For me, this is it. There aren’t stipulations on the clothes I choose. When we moved in together he didn’t raid my closet and start tossing out what he felt wasn’t feminine enough. My Soft Girl Era is filling my closet with my comfortable clothes--not teacher attire, not sundresses, not booty shorts, not the things that supposedly make you more feminine. I get to show off and feel cute in my cozy clothes, and the atmosphere between us is filled with quiet, cozy content.

I have the wildest dreams. I always have. My friends and I think it’s the reason I write fiction so well—because my imagination goes completely left all on its own without prompting. Sometimes I dream that I’m back in high school and it’s hilarious. I’ll be walking around (Harry S. Truman of The Bronx) frustrated because I don’t remember what classes I have. I try to ease into a class, into the back and go unnoticed. The premise is usually that I took some kind of hiatus. I don’t know why. It’s not like I dropped out of school. I graduated on time and everything.
 
I also dream about my childhood home a lot. I once read that dreaming about places in your past has to do with some part of you that hasn’t grown up. I just turned 42, I’m in my Jackie Robinson year, what part of me hasn’t grown? Anyway, last night I dreamt my family was packing up to move out of my childhood home. We were spending a lot of time in the basement, making sure it was up to par for its new inhabitants. I was also hella-worried about getting married, because apparently I needed to sign my marriage license.
 
Yeah, let’s back up a little…

First of all, I moved out of my childhood home when I was twenty years old. It would take another three years for my grandmother to sell the place. Now maybe the fact that I was slowly eased out that makes it seem like my subconscious is holding onto something. I had my daughter at nineteen, and by the time she was a year old I was spending most of my time at her father’s house. Whenever I would come home, more and more of my little sister’s belongings would be in my room. Finally one day I came to find my stuff packed in a few boxes and my mother told me I was welcome to come back and get my dresser. So I called my uncle (Rastafarian with a van, because they all have a van) to come pick up the dresser for me and take it to my daughter’s father’s house where I resided for the next four years. On the way, my uncle told me he was disappointed that I had a child so young and that I was going to live with my daughter’s father permanently, but he was at least glad that I had a high school diploma and was in college. I was kind of a jewel to my uncle, so to hear that I did something that disappointed him stuck with me.
 
Fast forward though…

​Last night’s dream was not only bugged out, but it seemed to drag on longer than a normal dream. We kept making trips between my old basement and the neighbor’s basement. My siblings and I grew up close to our neighbors and homes were almost identical except for a few minor details. In the dream I kept comparing the basements and at some point I realized my neighbors had passed away some time ago, and I wondered why it was my family’s responsibility to do whatever it was we were doing in their basement, when they had mad kids. Dreams are something else, aren’t they?
 
On to this marriage license…

​A few things—if you know me personally, you know I am skeptical about marriage. I’m a Gemini, have to be able to make decisions for myself regardless of what the next person says or thinks. I’ve been in a relationship for three years now, and while it might look like we just be vibing on the outside, I’ve probably made a conscious decision that morning to listen, put myself in his shoes, and compromise. On top of being an Gemini, I’ve been single and independent since I left my daughter’s father in 2007. You do the math, and if you know me personally, you’re welcome to subtract the fuck-boys along the way. None of them added value to my life or were about me the way this man is now. (I’m the writer, this my story.) I said all that to say, listening, making an effort to comprehend other viewpoints, and compromising don’t come easy to me. Being single and a mother (not a single mother, co-parent was/is hella-active) just makes you in charge of everything, and I did that for thirteen years. While I love my man down, signing a marriage license is terrifying, because what? He gets to be in charge too? What was even crazier in the dream was that I couldn’t remember my man’s name. It was absolutely insane. I kept saying, “Wait, who am I marrying?” And my family kept getting mad like, “Bitch, your fiancée! Sign the got damn paper so we can move on.” At one point I went down a list of male names in my head, and when I finally remember my man’s name, I was overwhelmed with this deep feeling of love I have for him, that if I were awake, probably would’ve caused me to cry uncontrollably. In the dream though I said, “Oh yes! That’s him! Oh my God, I love him so much! He’s like my best friend, he’s one of my favorite people, like in the top two! I would love to marry him, but do I have to sign the paper?”
 
Crazy.

Eventually we left my childhood home, and I was suddenly here at my current apartment. A bunch of high school friends were down at my building’s pool, and I headed down to join them. I changed into a swimsuit, snapped my clip-on shades to my prescription glasses, grabbed a pool towel and wandered around the pool looking for my old classmates. It was crowded. Finally I found them at the 5 feet end, where I usually don’t venture because I’m only 5’2, but I figured I could brave it for a little while. There was a white lesbian couple right next to my group and instead of me saying “excuse me,” to get by them, I latched on to the bigger one’s neck saying “You won’t mind if I use you to get over here,” and swung myself towards my friends. Why is that an important detail? Because I would nevaaaa! I think the lady in my dream was my neighbor. The fact that it’s unclear to me makes her a stranger and I do not touch strangers! So finally, I’m sitting with my friends, fighting for my life to keep my head above water and I realize the clip on is making everything too damned dark. I take it off and for what? Because it’s still just as dark. It’s then that I realize I attached the clip on the a pair of cat-eye sunglasses. Weird af.
 
I think I woke up after that.

Nowadays, thanks to social media, there is so much being said about The Bronx that, in my opinion, isn’t completely accurate, or at least not for the entire Bronx. The main thing is that people are under the impression that there are no nice areas of The Bronx, that everyone and everything in The Bronx is dirty, that there are no safe areas in The Bronx. Now I’m a Black woman of small stature, there isn’t a place on earth that is 100% safe to me. However, I can point out the areas that I feel safer in than others. I can also point out areas where the sidewalks and stores are clean. Where people are actually taking care of their community.
I recently moved to a “borough” in Jersey, outside of Hackensack so my commute to my job in The Bronx has changed significantly. When I lived and worked in The Bronx, I noticed the difference between my neighborhood and where my job is because gradually my neighborhood has become like the one where my job is. I couldn’t wait to get to that certain part of Tremont Ave where things seemed to calm down.
One day in September after parking in the job parking lot, I got out of my car and took a breath. There seemed to be a stench in the air. Later, I stepped out of work to go to the store and smelled the same stench. I said to my best friend later, “Is it me or does The South Bronx stink? I mean like, did it always stink or is it just starting to stink?”
She said, “Both. It was stink before and now its getting worse. It’s more noticeable.”
Lately, I dread walking down the street near my job more than I did before. It smells, the sidewalks look filthy… and then the people. I feel horrible for saying this because I am well aware of the affects of poverty and drugs. I lived through the crack era. But damn, the people in The South Bronx depress me. Everybody looks like the Gross Sisters from The Proud Family.
For a while I was afraid the North Bronx would be subject to the same deterioration of the South. I get the feeling that those who own the private homes, 2-6 family units, and tenements are not going to let that happen. There’s also the development of the Metro North station in Parkchester. In fact, let me take a moment to talk about Parkchester. I’m not sure where people get it from that Parkchester is a project or NYCHA community. Initially, after the Civil War, part of Parkchester was an orphanage for misplaced children. Later, in 1938, that land and a great deal more was bought by Met Life, and by the early 1940s families began to move into newly built condominiums. White families, that is. Black people were not allowed in until around 1968. My own family was able to rent a two-bedroom condo in the North sometime in the 1970s. They left at the end of 1983, shortly after I was born, because the two-bedrooms would no longer suffice for my grandmother, her husband, her two almost-adult daughters, me, and a dog. While I was growing up, in the 80s and early 90s, Parkchester was a coveted place to live. The parks were and still are, pretty. The home that my grandmother bought wasn’t too far from there and so my mother could still take me for walks in the area. I loved the fountain and begged to swim in it because I thought the water was blue… the fountain is just painted blue on the inside though. I asked my mother why people threw pennies in the swimming pool. She explained, “It’s not a pool,” she explained. “It’s a fountain. People throw pennies in to make wishes.” Well why did she tell me that? I went from begging to frolic in the copper polluted water to begging for more change to throw in it. As a teenager, I did what my mother did when she was a teenager—I hung out at the park in the West. That’s when the neighborhood started to get a little shaky. Gangs seeped in and Parkchester started seeing it’s fair share of “hood crime.”

Still, when I was in my twenties and friends bought or rented condos there, particularly in the North, Parkchester wasn’t the worst place to be. It wasn’t until after the pandemic in 2020, when I rented from a friend in the North that I started to see the deterioration for myself. The first week I moved in, I was on the elevator. A woman got on with her dog. I made a joke about having puppy fever, and she said, “Well you can’t have a dog here unless its a service or emotional support dog.”
I nodded, assuming her dog was for emotional support. It clearly wasn’t a service dog.
“You renting or you own here?” she asked.
“Uhh… renting from family,” I stated. “Oh. Then it might not be a big deal for you. They treat owners and renters differently here.” Her voice became resentful.
After that, she barely spoke to me when she saw me. For months, until more things opened back up in NYC, Parkchester maintenance was what I considered top notch. They cleaned the buildings at the same time every day from top to bottom. When I went back to work in person in 2021, it all stopped. People were urinating in the staircases and packing the trash chutes with way too much trash. It was crazy. I had never experienced living in NYCHA, but I felt like I was getting a taste for the three years I remained there. They broke ground for the new Metro North station directly after I moved out. Parking was already an issue in the area, and the gain of the train station meant the loss of an entire parking lot that most of the working community relied on. I was glad to get away, but I’m continuously curious about the possible improvements of the area, thanks to the train station.
Anyway, I’m not saying all this this to drag The South Bronx, but I do want to say this — there is a difference between the North and South Bronx. Honestly though, I wish there was something that could be done about The South Bronx. I know that there isn’t necessarily anything to be done because it starts with the mindset of the people who inhabit it. They can’t be forced to care if they don’t know that they should or that there’s a better way of living. All I got left is prayer.
Like the title of the blog, these are just my random thoughts. I post for commentary. If you’re from The Bronx or ever lived there, do you know the difference between the north and south? The east and the west? Have you experienced the slow decline, or was it always a raggedy hot mess to you? I’m curious to know what everyone else’s experience is. The way I see it, the bad parts have leaked into the good, but only where the community wasn’t strong enough to stop it. I think there will continue to be a distinct difference between the north and south, and I wish other’s knew about the differences before opening their mouths about it.

Fight or Flight??? That’s exactly how I felt the morning after the election on the drive to work. How can I join the fight? Or should I just run away?

We sleep with the tv on and I don’t think my boyfriend realizes how sound affects me in my sleep. I prefer the tv on for background noise, but I needs to be good sounds. Trump’s voice is never a good sound for me, especially in my sleep. I literally shuddered and cried when I heard him cheering for his win. I’ve been physically uncomfortable and crabby all day.

The truth of this election is this: this is the second time it’s been proven that this country hates women. While yes, white women are put on a pedestal, it’s an unstable one. The vengeance for white women’s tears is the protection and upholding of white male masculinity and patriarchy. It has nothing to do with the white man’s love for white women. It is about his selfishness and love for himself.

Let’s consider the early history of this country. We all know the land was stolen, and it wasn’t stolen by white women. It was stolen by white men. White women were just along for the benefit of companionship, bedmates, and breeding. Look at where things are going today. Women of all races, ethnicities, and cultures have strayed away from this ideology as the end-all be-all for their lives, for different reasons. It appears as though the white man cannot handle a woman, of any race, ethnicity, or cultural background, being his peer, better yet being more qualified than him for something. Do I think all men are like this? No. But I do think it’s more prominent in white men and feel like this was a blatant display of my theory.

Black women took this loss hard, and to that I say I feel you, but again this really isn’t our battle. Keep in mind, there are African countries that are paying people to move there. Now, I haven’t checked out all the pros and cons, if I choose to leave the country, I won’t be going to Africa or Europe, but I’m just putting it out there. While we’re concerned about our rights being taken away, my concerns are back on the bigger picture same as in 2016… this country is WIDE open for takedown. It’s not like Trump, at minimum, is a critical thinker. We don’t have a chess player headed to office. This is not someone who is for the country. This is someone who is out for self, and he used the undereducated to solidify his get out of jail free card.

This country is once again, a joke, and that’s my honest deep down fear. We are Tubi up against Disney Plus, Max, Netflix, and Hulu, because who is going to take us seriously? Anyway, all I can do is suggest we consider all of our options and look that way. We tried to save a country that has us at the bottom of the totem pole. What’s left?
​
I don’t consider myself politically versed enough to criticize another’s decisions and choices under these circumstances. I know what will have to be done for me and mine, should the hammer truly come down. In the meantime, it’s about to be another freak show. Save your money and get your popcorn ready.

I can’t believe I’m still writing about this. With all the successful co-parenting examples we have on the socials, and some of y’all still out here creating drama. Frankly, it’s outdated and weird.

Let’s talk about how it’s outdated first. If you have a teenager or adult child and you are STILL beefin with the daddy, sum’n nuh right. It’s been over a decade sis, let that shit go. Whatever that man did up to 13 years ago has reached its statute of limitations. It’s no longer just spilled milk, it’s sour milk now. If you’re still carrying it around, you stink. How do I know? Well, for one and to use the term my co-parent hates, I’m a “baby mama.” I would like to claim that I was never bitter but that’s bullshit. However my bitterness only lasted about 9 months. I really couldn’t get into carrying that smelly shit around with me. Not only does it affect your vibe but it also affects your child’s vibe. They know when something is not right and, as the child of unmarried parents, I can tell you it’s uncomfortable. Unselfish moms that truly care about their child’s feelings won’t put their child through that. Please take that into consideration.

Also, it’s outdated because who does that these days? I thought Black folks were changing or clarifying the narrative. Baby mama-drama should be a thing of the past. Most of what I see up and down my social media timelines are examples of active fathers and successful co-parenting measures, which are ideal. The people in these videos and photos look happy, and I wouldn’t say stress free, cuz life still life’s, but they’re not unnecessarily stressed. They don’t have the added issue of a combative relationship with their co-parent.

So why is it weird to be a bitter baby mama? It gives mental instability, and how do you not feel yourself unraveling? If your child is your best friend, you’re not ok Sis. If you’re still co-sleeping EVERY night after three years old, you’re not ok Sis (Not the child. YOU.) If you spy on your child’s phone conversations with their father, you’re not ok Sis. If you are not dating simply because you have a child, you’re not ok Sis. If you say negative things to your child about their father and/or his family, you’re not ok Sis.

You’re an adult. Your best friend shouldn’t be 4, 5, or 6 years old. Know what? Lemme keep it 100 with y’all. Deep down I feel like a girl’s best friend (besides diamonds) is her mother. My child is and has been since her birth, undoubtedly my best friend. However, in raising her, I leaned on her godmothers… my best friends from childhood and according to her, that’s who mom’s best friends are. I never let my child think we were on the same level, even when we had similar sentiments towards her father. Get some friends to vent about your baby daddy to… or a therapist. Either one is healthier than talking to a five-year-old.

You’re an adult, and your “baby” is six. Get that child out your bed! Unless you’re facing hard times, you can and should sleep separately. Now, when I was 26, my daughter was 7 and we lived in a two-room basement apartment. I thought I could set up her bed in a certain corner but it never worked out that way. So for that year, she slept with me. In fact, I didn’t have consistent space for her to sleep in until she was eight. I left her father the year she turned five, and things were rough for a while. So I completely understand “hard times.” But if you can comfortably afford two or more bedrooms, that’s what you need to get and put your child in THEIR OWN bedroom. Co-sleeping with a school-aged child is crazy.

You’re an adult. Mind your business. Unless the father has been abusive, shows signs of potentially being abusive, and/or requires supervised visits, mind ya business. Let them go talk to their father. Let them have a relationship with their father that doesn’t involve you. Sometimes, what they won’t tell us, they will tell their dads. And guess what? Dad can address and advise accordingly. Everything doesn’t have to be on us as mothers. Give up some of that responsibility to the man that helped you make the child in the first place… and not just financially. He should know how to do everything you know how to do for that child. And trust there will be things that he can do that you can’t. You trusted him enough to go raw with him, trust him enough to be able to raise the child that came from your vulnerability with him.

GO ON A DAMN DATE!!! Are you really sitting at home getting grey on the top and cobwebbed between the legs cuz you have a child at home?? Please stop! Especially if you have an active baby daddy, and/or supportive grandparents, aunties, uncles, godparents, etc. Those people are your village. RELY on them. Don’t take advantage! But yes, rely on them. They should be active in their roles. And “Mama gotta have a life too.” (Baby Boy, 2001) Your life cannot be on hold because you are a mother. I guarantee you’ll be pouring from an empty cup if you are avoiding courtship. You deserve to be complimented and to enjoy yourself with an intimate or potentially intimate companion. Get your “hair done, nails done, everything did” (Drake, 2010), go outside, and fill your cup with joy that you can spread to your child!

This one goes back to being friends with your child… don’t talk about their fathers in a negative light to them. You have sisters, cousins, and friends for that type of venting. And it should be venting, not bashing. Remember, you cocked your legs open, or threw it back for him, so he obviously wasn’t that bad. Baby daddies can be frustrating so it’s okay to get it off your chest… with ya homegirls though and ya eight-year-old daughter is NOT ya homegirl.

Hanging on to the bitterness of a breakup does not benefit you in anyway. Steer clear of toxic elements between you and your child. The less you focus on that man, your ex, your baby daddy, the better you will feel. I promise you this and I can because I lived it.

It’s called SAD: Seasonal Affective Disorder. Lack of sunlight can cause depression. I do experience this. I’ve been experiencing it since I was 11 years old. I don’t even know why it started or how to describe how I feel… it’s just really bad. Then as soon as the temperature breaks and the sunlight hours increase, it’s like I feel my insides blooming like flowers.

I don’t like snow. I don’t like cold weather. I only participate in winter holidays because I have children in my life. I was banned from putting up Christmas decorations in my house as a teenager because I was a killjoy. My job was to take everything down alone January 6th and I was happy to do it because to me it meant spring was coming soon.

Do not take it personal if I prefer not to attend winter events. It’s hard enough facing outside going to work every day. All week I look forward to being home, hiding from the dark skies. All winter I look forward to spring.

Despite what was happening, I was ok December 2020-March 2021. I worked from home and I never left my house on foot. I wore winter weather boots ONCE that whole time.
My significant other has really helped me manage over the last two years. This type of depression requires people that understand it’s nothing personal and no you cannot snap out of it. They understand that the heat needs to be on 1000 and the lights have to be on. They let you curl up with your books and watch crime documentaries, and keep you hydrated with tea or wine lol.

If someone you know exhibits this pattern, don’t guilt them for hating winter. I would love to be happy to see Christmas lights or play in snow, but... I. Just. Cannot.

Everyone has fantasies. Some of us dream of the perfect mate, the perfect job, or the perfect home. We get inspired by something we heard, saw, or read, and we run with it. We imagine ourselves having fairytale weddings, having the corner office with the grand view, or entertaining friends in a grand dining room in the home of our dreams. Something happens to us when we actually obtain these things though, right? With that perfect mate comes their baggage, the corner office comes with a ton of responsibilities, and the perfect home requires a maintenance team that must be appropriately compensated. When the dreams become reality, they’re not always all they’re cracked up to be.
It's human nature to dream and to look for ways to make life comfortable. What we don’t consider is the costs. We don’t think about how light and dark don’t exist without each other. Everything has a downside. However we walk into every situation that we prayed for and manifested deliberately ignoring the downsides because we think we’re setting ourselves up for bad juju. Meanwhile, we don’t realize that we’re just setting ourselves up for aggravation, hurt, and disappointment.
Instead of leaning into the expectations of our imaginations, we need to set realistic expectations and express them to all parties involved. As of late, while I consider a new career path, I’ve been told more than once “Don’t be afraid to ask what they have to offer you.” This is a way of setting realistic expectations. When we walk into a situation, only focused on what we dreamed up, we don’t give ourselves the opportunity to let others know how you expect them to play their part. If a conversation of real expectations never happens, then the thrill of realizing our dream is short-lived.
In every life-altering transition, everyone should consider not only weighing the pros and cons, but they should discuss them, openly. A conversation of sorts can avoid more than the dissatisfaction of what we dreamed of and worked for. It can expose dealbreakers. Knowing the dealbreakers of others helps us to see both sides of a situation, and again we won’t be disappointed in areas where they seemingly don’t comply with our desires.
I am absolutely not saying you shouldn’t go after your dreams, or that you should expect your dreams to disappoint you. I am saying that in order to indulge in and enjoy the dreams that you worked hard to achieve, it’s important to be realistic about them. The unexpected will still occur, but setting expectations prior creates an armor that lessens the blow as well as the ability to move accordingly.

“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” I’ve heard this RuPaul phrase more times than I care to remember. My daughter is a huge fan of RuPaul’s Drag Race, and although the phrase plays like a broken record in my mind, it secretly informs the philosophy I live by and have raised my daughter on. We are a “You First” family. Over time I have learned how to prioritize myself in order to be the absolute best to my daughter and others that I love, and it’s been embedded in her to do the same.
From around October 2015 until May 2022 I’d been in what’s called a “situation-ship.” A situation-ship is when two consenting adults agree to date and be intimately involved, but not label the relationship as anything but a situation—hence the term, situation-ship. What usually happens in these situation-ships is that one of the parties ends up waiting for the other to want more, or one of the parties starts to do things that implies that the situation has become more than what it was initially meant to be. In my case, I was being led on a never-ending hunt for nonexistent treasure.
I’ve always had a secure sense of self, so I never compromised who I am for this person. I did however, believe their lies, and then question myself when he commenced to gaslighting and villainizing me for questioning if I wanted marriage or more children. Anyway, after five years of back & forth nonsense, and one year of attempting some semblance of a friendship, I suddenly felt like I never wanted to hear from him again. The misleading path became redundant instead of remaining as adventurous as it started out. I wanted strong consistent companionship, something he wasn’t capable of. So on Mother’s Day in 2022, when I awoke to a text from him, wishing me a happy Mother’s Day and telling me what an amazing mother I am, I decided that would be our last conversation ever. I replied, “Thank you for the Mother’s Day wishes. Please do not ever contact me again. My stomach hurts when I see your number.” My friends said that was harsh, but I was being real and sometimes reality bites. When I sent that message, I had no idea that I had unblocked the roadway to a blessing heading my way. Two months later, I met the person that would provide the strong consistent companionship that I craved, and more. I’ve found a “main squeeze” who makes me feel like a good person instead of a wicked witch. I never say that he makes me happy because I am the creator of my happiness, but he certainly contributes a great deal to it.
Fast forward again, another two years have gone by and my daughter says to me, “I’m gonna break up with him. He’s boring and he wants me to be boring like him. But I like to have fun. So I am going to let him go so I can have fun.” My daughter is now twenty-one and she was speaking of a boyfriend that she’d been in a year-long relationship with. This was her first serious relationship, so honestly, my expectations were low. I mentally prepared for possibly another year of these complaints, perhaps a few heated arguments between them, and a few hysterical sobbing episodes from her. I was all the way wrong. A week later she broke up with old boy and she has not looked back since. She meant what she said. She was bored and he didn’t bring any fun into her life.
Proud Mom Moment! My daughter was still heartbroken, but she didn’t let it break her. She put herself first and nurtured her own needs. While I was prepared for the dramatics, it never happened. She is honest about missing the young man, but she is also clear about the happiness she created for herself. She hangs out, takes trips, and spends a lot of time with her cousins and friends, all the things this young man took issue with. She was not willing to put any of that aside just to be able to say she had a boyfriend. She values herself and takes responsibility for her own happiness. Something I think should be commended. Hell, in fact, I think there should be a workshop on it and my daughter should lead it.
More times than not, women are willing to transform into someone unrecognizable and/or put up with all kinds of crap because we’ve been taught that having a man or partner is what makes us valuable. We think putting other’s first makes us virtuous, when really it makes us resentful crabs on the inside. There is joy in doing for others but only when your own cup is full. You cannot show up whole for others if you’re unhappy. You also do not leave room for good things, if you’re energy is being zapped by someone unworthy of sharing your joy. Put you first and remember what RuPaul said, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”