You First

“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” I’ve heard this RuPaul phrase more times than I care to remember. My daughter is a huge fan of RuPaul’s Drag Race, and although the phrase plays like a broken record in my mind, it secretly informs the philosophy I live by and have raised my daughter on. We are a “You First” family. Over time I have learned how to prioritize myself in order to be the absolute best to my daughter and others that I love, and it’s been embedded in her to do the same.
From around October 2015 until May 2022 I’d been in what’s called a “situation-ship.” A situation-ship is when two consenting adults agree to date and be intimately involved, but not label the relationship as anything but a situation—hence the term, situation-ship. What usually happens in these situation-ships is that one of the parties ends up waiting for the other to want more, or one of the parties starts to do things that implies that the situation has become more than what it was initially meant to be. In my case, I was being led on a never-ending hunt for nonexistent treasure.
I’ve always had a secure sense of self, so I never compromised who I am for this person. I did however, believe their lies, and then question myself when he commenced to gaslighting and villainizing me for questioning if I wanted marriage or more children. Anyway, after five years of back & forth nonsense, and one year of attempting some semblance of a friendship, I suddenly felt like I never wanted to hear from him again. The misleading path became redundant instead of remaining as adventurous as it started out. I wanted strong consistent companionship, something he wasn’t capable of. So on Mother’s Day in 2022, when I awoke to a text from him, wishing me a happy Mother’s Day and telling me what an amazing mother I am, I decided that would be our last conversation ever. I replied, “Thank you for the Mother’s Day wishes. Please do not ever contact me again. My stomach hurts when I see your number.” My friends said that was harsh, but I was being real and sometimes reality bites. When I sent that message, I had no idea that I had unblocked the roadway to a blessing heading my way. Two months later, I met the person that would provide the strong consistent companionship that I craved, and more. I’ve found a “main squeeze” who makes me feel like a good person instead of a wicked witch. I never say that he makes me happy because I am the creator of my happiness, but he certainly contributes a great deal to it.
Fast forward again, another two years have gone by and my daughter says to me, “I’m gonna break up with him. He’s boring and he wants me to be boring like him. But I like to have fun. So I am going to let him go so I can have fun.” My daughter is now twenty-one and she was speaking of a boyfriend that she’d been in a year-long relationship with. This was her first serious relationship, so honestly, my expectations were low. I mentally prepared for possibly another year of these complaints, perhaps a few heated arguments between them, and a few hysterical sobbing episodes from her. I was all the way wrong. A week later she broke up with old boy and she has not looked back since. She meant what she said. She was bored and he didn’t bring any fun into her life.
Proud Mom Moment! My daughter was still heartbroken, but she didn’t let it break her. She put herself first and nurtured her own needs. While I was prepared for the dramatics, it never happened. She is honest about missing the young man, but she is also clear about the happiness she created for herself. She hangs out, takes trips, and spends a lot of time with her cousins and friends, all the things this young man took issue with. She was not willing to put any of that aside just to be able to say she had a boyfriend. She values herself and takes responsibility for her own happiness. Something I think should be commended. Hell, in fact, I think there should be a workshop on it and my daughter should lead it.
More times than not, women are willing to transform into someone unrecognizable and/or put up with all kinds of crap because we’ve been taught that having a man or partner is what makes us valuable. We think putting other’s first makes us virtuous, when really it makes us resentful crabs on the inside. There is joy in doing for others but only when your own cup is full. You cannot show up whole for others if you’re unhappy. You also do not leave room for good things, if you’re energy is being zapped by someone unworthy of sharing your joy. Put you first and remember what RuPaul said, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”